Friday, October 19, 2012

Pressing On

I am so out of my box in this.  I shared it with the ladies in Sunday School class a few weeks ago.  I told them I was as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof that day.  I feel the same way right now.  But when God is pressing in and telling me to do something, it is hard not to.  What I am about to post is very personal.  Just a small glimpse into me.  The ladies in Sunday School get to see it more than the others in the congregation.  And other than that there are very few others who really, and I mean really know me.  With that being said, I am so thankful that my God knows my heart and I mean really knows my heart and He loves me anyway.  I would have done given up on someone like me.  I would have already said forget it she is hopeless and stubborn and ...... Am I the only one who feels this way?  I didn't think so.

During my "quiet time", about a month ago,  I poured my heart out to the One who knew how I was feeling before I even began.  And it went something like this: "I have spoken with you or at you since the last time I wrote anything down.  But, yes there is always a but.  My mind is full and racing.  Today's passage or quote in "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore, says "Desiring to be Godly is the work of a Lifetime.  I agree.  I am trying.  But.  (there it is again.) I feel like I am so screwing it up.  2 Timothy 2:22, says to "Pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace..."  I don't think I am trying hard enough.  I'm not pursuing hard enough.  Ann Voskamp's blog post from September 19, more or less says that I need to quit thinking it will get better.  Now is the "will".  Today is yesterday's tomorrow.  Honestly, my heart hurts.  My attitude stinks.  I'm not in a good place spiritually.  The world is spinning fast around me and in front of me.  I find myself asking how can I show and exemplify the love of Christ when I myself am barely seeking it?  Who am I to try to show anyone else because I myself am letting the world and my sorry attitude guide me.  I also look out and fantasize.  But Fantasy isn't reality.  Reality is, I am here.  In this place.  And I know for a reason.  But I think I have forgotten the reason.  I know two of them are the boys.  But they are growing up.  One is halfway to thirty. The other is old enough to register to vote.  I think I just need a reminder of something.  But I don't know what."
Let me say that after I poured my heart out, I soon got my reminder.  And as I type, I have no idea why He wants me to post this.  Maybe someone reading it is feeling the same way too.  You are not alone.  Even preacher's wives, (this one anyway), has been there and felt it.  And I have a feeling that there are many others who have too. 
Some days are just hard.  Some days, being a woman, a wife, a mother, an employee, a self employed husband's wife, a preacher's wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a Christian, it just down right hard. But through His grace and by His grace, I, (we) make it through.  And I (we) are all better for it. 
Philippians 3:12-14 "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
In Jesus name we press on.