Tuesday, July 1, 2014

HOLD MY HAND AND TRUST

Hold my hand & trust.  Those were the first words in a devotion the day before I jumped.  I have weighed my options at every turn.  I have come up with every single possibility there is.  I have tried to answer the questions and the what ifs for Him.  I have talked D's ears off.  (So don't laugh when you see him without his ears.) He has told me from the start that jumping wouldn't hurt and we would be ok.  Yet, I have stilled talked.  I have still tried to figure it out.  I will admit I am a selfish spoiled brat.  I own it.  No therapy needed.  (or at least I don't think so)  Anyway, back to those first words.  I don't always look up the scripture referenced in the devotion.  I didn't on this particular morning either.  But mid morning, I talked with a neutral party.  Weighed more options.  Came home and felt like I was as close to a panic attack as what I have ever been.  I did the only thing I knew to do.  I got the devotional book back out.  Looked up the scripture reference and it says this...."So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.  Jumping off a fence & walking by faith is what I am doing now.  I gave up something that I have held dear for 10 years.  Maybe I made a difference there.  I won't know this side of heaven.  And I'm ok with that.  My life is changing.  It's rearranging.  And I have no idea what is on the other side of this journey I have been on.  But I do believe it is something big.  I am holding His hand and trusting.  One thing is for sure, He is in this jump.  He has held my hand.  Pointed me at every turn. Erased the doubt.  Over and Over again.   I have been absolutely blown away by His presence and His peace.  So much so that I have had to keep so much of it to myself.  I have been left in tears and speechless.  (Which if you know me, you know that is near impossible.)  But I serve a mighty big God.  I'm a bit scared.  But He has me.  Of this much I am sure.

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